Hogwarts Sucks
by kialasphynxea
Summary: Hp/Tw xover. Bella's not happy to be at Hogwarts. Hilarity. Just read it pwease. And no, not all of our stuff is like this, I swear! Rated M, for Carlisles dirty mind. DISCONTINUED
1. Hogwarts

Hogwarts sucks. It was official, officially official-ly official that Hogwarts sucks. I mean really, just because Lord what's-his-name has got a few vampires with him, and using them to wreak carnage on the rest of the world, what did that have to do with us? Yeah, so we were a few vampires that had a couple of cool powers (well, some of us…).

So what?

I felt a pair of warm arms circle my waist and a pair of lips next to my ear, "Jasper's going to have a heart attack if you don't calm down, Bell."

Edward. My very reason for being, for brea--- Well, not breathing, but for existing. I felt myself calming down, with a little help from everybody's favourite interfering emotional climatic graph grid- "I CAN CALM MYSELF DOWN, JASPER!"

So, I was thinking about how much Hogwarts sucked, and why.

Well, since every guy in the halls of this infernal castle couldn't seem to keep their dreams and thoughts off of us, I had to deal with Edward, and try to stop him from telling Emmett and Jasper about the "dreams and thoughts" from the local boys, whose mothers would be shocked if they could hear some of the things that the boys thought when in close proximity to Rosalie, Alice, Esme and I.

The worst of all, was of course Harry Potter. The boy was the most confusing being in the world, he was completely in love with his girlfriend, wasn't attracted to me in the slightest, and yet, wouldn't stop pestering me. I knew why, it was because of his idiotic best friend, who was head over heels in "love" with me. So this wasn't the confusing part. The confusing part was in fact that he _refused_ to believe that he was in love with his girlfriend.

He refused to believe this since he was such a gangster, a delusional gangster; he thought he had it all. The 'bling', the glasses, the scars, and unfortunately, the power to take down the big daddy of gangsters.

_The_ big daddy, as in the freaking mafia.

To be honest, I thought he looked like more of an emo, than a gangster. What with the thick-rimmed glasses, the scar, the hair and the breakdown's in class.

Like I said he's completely and utterly confusing. Ever since I had picked up Edwards mind reading talent, the boys' thoughts have been driving me crazy.

That's not even counting picking up on Jaspers freaking emotional control thing. Feeling all the lust around me was starting to get pretty freaky. Jasper, it had recently turned out, had been exaggerating _mildly _(Note sarcasm implied heavily), when he had said about all the lust he had been on the receiving end of over the years. It wasn't so bad… If it wasn't directed towards _you_. Which it 99.9% of the time was.

When I had been turned into a vampire, several unexpected things had happened. For example, I was suddenly extremely sarcastic, and my powers were unparalleled.

I could absorb other vampires talents when I wanted to. That wasn't all of it though, I could of course, just to make things _that_ much more difficult, do magic. Which was completely over-rated.

I mean, no offence to all those bunny slipper killers out there who just love this curse, but what the _hell _is "Expecto Patronum" going to do if your stranded without a wand in the middle of a field full of them Dementor things. Which are, of course, going to do a hell of a lot of damage towards us, being undead and all.

"Bella, we have to go to dinner… Dumbledore's going to formally introduce us tonight."

I sighed, and my entire body promised a world full of pain to anyone that dared even look at me the wrong way. Stupid MoldyPants. Stupid Carlisle. Stupid Esme. Stupid fucking Hogwarts.

.......

_**AN-**_

_**Um, hey, I guess. This is our first chapter to the most random idea that's popped into our heads since the last random idea.**_

_**Anyway, yeah. R**__**/R If you want, I'd LOVE to get some reviews, as would Jess!!!! Constructive criticism isn't welcome, but we'll welcome it anyway… **_

_**Noodlehead and Jess.**_

_**SpaceHeaterVSIceCube**_

_**Quote- If all of eternity stopped and I could only have one thing, I would always choose to keep the universe. Cause, hey, what else do we need?**_

_**-Me, as in Noodlehead, you know me, the person who has the smartest most random, and sarcastic fan fiction writer in the universe…. So far…. **_


	2. Bella's stare

Chapter 2- Bella's stare

Harry POV

So Dumbledore warned me about these new kids, the Cullens or something like that. I had mentioned them casually on the Hogwarts express, and the results alarmed me slightly. All the people that had been here for the holidays had stumbled and blushed and stayed silent for a few minutes until almost everybody else had forgotten about it. I had met them, briefly, and I got the idea that the girl I talked to got fairly annoyed with me after a while, so I stopped trying to be friends, which I was only doing 'cause if I hadn't Ron would have lay into me about not talking to the new hot girl.

I hadn't seen her face very clearly, nor had I wanted to. I was perfectly happy being in love with Ginny… No! I am gangster, I am not in love with Ginevra Molly Weasley, it would only put her in danger, I have a temporary crush on her, temporary. It's a permanently permanent temporary arrangement.

The door crashed open and a pale group of people stood outside of it, each of them smiling kindly, Apart from one girl, the brunette one at the back of the group, who was somehow managing to glare at each of us individually at the same time.

Her head turned to me suddenly and she smiled brightly as if she had managed to sort out a fairly hard riddle, then stared into my eyes for a few seconds, glared harder and stared pointedly at Dumbledore who was looking a little too bubbly for even _my _tastes.

As Dumbledore stood up with his arms wide open, the brunette snorted loudly "What'ya going to do Dumbles? Hug VoldyWarts to death?"

I saw the Slytherins crack up from the edge of my vision, and felt the corners of my mouth lift slightly and fought to get them to go back down. I had to admit, Dumbledores view on how to fight Voldemort _were _slightly old fashioned and hopeless.

I hardly doubted that Voldemort was going to come to tea, sign a treaty and leave to go terrorize somewhere more remote like the Gobi desert, where he couldn't hurt anybody we knew. I felt guilty as soon as I had thought it, what about the few people living in the Gobi desert? Would they have to live in terror as Voldemort terrorized their lived killing them off slowly, enjoying each moment.

The brunette looked at me from where she had resumed her place at glaring at Professor Dumbledore, with an incredulous smile frozen on her face. "The Gobi desert? Why the hell would Old mouldy go there? Seriously! The Gobi desert? A peace treaty… with a tea party?"

Her partner next to her looked at me briefly and burst out laughing, as I pondered slightly on how she could know what I was thinking without using Legilimency, of which I was sure I could fully block now, thanks to my being a gangster and having all those torturous lessons with Snape, who it seemed, would_ never _wash his hair of all the grease that had been accumulating there over the years.

"Don't worry Harry, all will be explained later on."

I stared at the male model in wonder as his gaze locked onto mine, seemingly promising silently that all _would_ be explained later when we were alone and there were no eavesdropping Slytherns that would be eager to go off and report to their master.

Suddenly in a blur the Cullens were sitting at the teachers table, and the whole hall was alive with chatter as they talked animatedly about the perfect family that had just made an appearance into all of our lives.

Staring as the family chose not to eat, I decided to confer with Hermione, no-one better to go to in a situation you didn't fully understand.

Smilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmile

_**AN- Ok. This is just slightly freaky… I think we had, one favourite… In one day! **_

_**To be honest it isn't that great. Well, being one of the authors I would say that…. But, you know, I really don't think it's our best work!**_

_**Anyway thank you!**_

_**Noodlehead&Jess!**_


	3. Meeting Hogwarts

Chapter 3 meeting Hogwarts

Bella's pov

Carlisle opened the doors with a dramatic sounding bang, and I tried to glare at each and every male in the room at the same time from the back of our 'gang' as Harry put it. He also guessed my attempt to glare at every male in the room for their freaky thoughts. I turned and smiled at him, then Dumbledore starts thinking of how to defeat Voldemort with out violence. _Ha!_ Like that's going to happen. Suddenly Dumbledore opens his arms wide, as if asking the heavens for guidance or something. I snort loudly, I just can't help myself, I have to make a comment… "What'ya going to do Dumbles? Hug VoldyWarts to death?"

He smiled as if he seriously considered this as one of his plans, or something. I smiled reluctantly at the remark that Harry silently made, his idea of a tea party and a peace treaty sounded strangely like the Quileutes and us.

I stared at him incredulously, wondering how the hell he got that answer so quickly. Then I realised something. "The Gobi desert? Why the hell would Old mouldy go there? Seriously! The Gobi desert? A peace treaty… with a tea party?"

He looked at me with something akin to terror written all over his face, and I realised what I could have potentially just given away to any spies, that could (Well, _are _at Hogwarts, just because Dumbledores that naïve….) tell their "master" all about how I had just answered Harry Potters, the wonder boys mind.

Edward, caught up with the recent events in Harry's mind and quikly told him that we would explain later, Harry seemed to except this, but 10 minutes later looked surprised when he found all his classmates talking and eating, and looked hesitantly to Hermione Granger, the only girl who we had told the truth to.

I just prayed to any god who happened to be listening that she didn't spill. Edward squeezed my hand tightly and a gave him a small smile, as I watched Hermione shake her head and turn to her left to talk to a girl called Lavender who was watching Ronald Weasley in adoration, and tried valiantly to start a conversation.

I looked down upon the Slytherin table into the cautious gaze of a blonde haired boy, who looked to be the age of 16/17.

I recognized parts of him from photo files stored in my brain an realised that I knew him from somewhere. As I looked down into his now widened eyes, I realised where exactly I knew him from. My mothers, 3rd cousins, 2nd divorces outcome.

Draconis Malfoy.

As I stared at him I realised that he knew who I was too. We had spent our tenth birthday parties together at his giant house, together on my first visit to England, talking and playing together. We had lost touch a month later.

As he looked at me, I wondered just how he had recognised me. Charlie hadn't realised it was me at first, how the hell had Draco Malfoy, a boy I hadn't seen in over 6 years, recognised me better than my father had.

Something must have happened.

Something big.

Smilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmile

_**Not as dramatic as it sounds… but you can think it is if you want, really, you can.**_

_**Anyway, I think we've written up to… chapter 7, so today is going to be MEGA UPLOAD DAY! YAY!!!! So… lol. Sorry, had to say that.**_

_**Noodlehead&Jess**_

_**SpaceheaterVSicecube**_


	4. Thunder, Paintballs & 'sexual activities

Edward POV Chapter 4- Thunder, paint-balling and "sexual activities"

It was our first day at our new school… _Hogwarts._ I tried he name out in my head, and wondered who in their right minds would name a school after a Hog with Warts. If it had been up to me, the name would have been in the discarded pile almost as soon as it was suggested. Almost as quickly as the idea for school houses.

I turned to look at my wife as she curled up in a ball on our bed, not sleeping just thinking. Thinking about what, I would never know unless she told me. Which she would, later on when she was ready.

Last night was fun at least, pent up frustration was good on Bella, especially in bed. In bed she becomes a demon with a grudge.

I think I could enjoy her pent up frustration more often.

There was a soft chuckle from the bed, and I turned to see Bella with a small smile on her full red lips "Good to see that frustrations useful for something."

I chuckled and pressed my lips to hers, better not to waste the 3 hours we had left til the start of school…

Fghfghfghfghfghfghfghfghfghfghfghfghfghfghfghfghfghfghfghfghfghfghfghfghfghfg

Harry POV

"All I could hear last night was thunder! It was so strange… it wasn't even raining." I listened politely as Ron rambled on about how loud the thunder was.

As Isabella and Edward Cullen walked in through the doors looking slightly dishevelled and holding hands with their fingers entwined, I suddenly had an idea where the thunder like sounds had been coming from last night.

My suspicions were practically solid when Isabella turned to me and winked as Edward started laughing, up at the teachers table Esme and Carlisle Cullen went slightly green, and if Edward and Isabella had bothered to look up from each other, I'm sure they would have bolted right back out the doors that they just came in from.

I watched as an anxious Jasper tugged on Carlisle's left arm as in warning, but was ignored. As Alice went in for a warning as well, Carlisle was already standing in front of the couple who had finally sensed the danger from their family.

"So… I'm guessing that you two had fun last night?"

I looked shocked as Carlisle asked a perfectly normal question to the two, but the two In question looked even more anxious then ever at the question.

"Yes… I suppose so…."

Carlisle's face contorted into a flat surface of rage. "The whole castle heard you two going at it! Rabbits, both of you! Rosalie and Emmett were better than this! Never in all of my time…"

Isabella seemed to spasm at Carlisle's words "Uh, Carlisle, what exactly did you think we were doing last night?"

Emmett came into the conversation as well "Carlisle… We destroyed 10 houses during _that _stage. _We _couldn't _stop_."

Carlisle ignored Emmett and continued as if he hadn't spoken "What do I think you were doing? Well, I'll tell you what I _know _you were doing last night. _You _decided, against all better alternatives, to spend the night immersed in sexual activities, allowing the _rest of the world _to know your joy!"

Isabella finally collapsed into the odd little spasms that had rippled through her previously.

Edwards, who seemed the only one out of the two who had some control left, mouth twitched as he said the words no-one expected "We were paint-balling"

_**AN-**_

_**Hi, well there's our 4**__**th**__** chapter. It's probably crap, but we really wanted to like… make Carlisle mad. "Sexual activities" seemed the way. After all, he can't always be the calmest person in the fucking world, can he? Though of course they did engage in a little inappropriate behaviour… They just didn't let everybody know.**_

_**So, cya in the next chapter =P**_

_**Noodlehead&Jess**_


	5. Heinz ketchup and Gold Chains

Chapter 5-

Bella pov

3rd period Defence Against the Dark Arts. Please, just kill me. I mean stop my existence, please. We're studying Vampires.

Vampires.

Any particular reason, I wonder? Oh yeah, maybe because there's a full coven living at Hogwarts for a year. Screw the fact that they don't drink human blood, courtesy of the fact that they used to _be_ human, no we're all going to attempt to make the children terrified.

What _fun._

Can I go on a killing spree through Hogsmeade?

On the topic, did the namers of the village and Hogwarts have a strange obsession with Hogs? Drunk hogs with warts?

Seriously, there was this one kid who just wouldn't let up all I could ever hear was "Can I see your fangs?" and "But Vampires have fangs, don't they?"

Did he have a _death wish?_ If he did, that wish was about to become reality real fast.

"Can anyone tell me what kills a Vampire?"

I put my hand up straight, with the best innocent look I could muster. "Yes, Mrs. Cullen?"

I slowly put my hand down, drawing it out, the whole class was watching expectantly, Emmett and I had gained the reputation already. "Well sir, first of all you need to get hold of some tomato ketchup. Heinz brand works the best."

Harry's eyes were wide.

"Then you need to make them eat it somehow."

The professor leaned in expectantly, as if he actually _believed _what I was saying.

"After that you need to tie them up with chains of gold."

The professors mind went into over-drive. **He-who-must-not-be-named has these Vampires! We're doomed! Gold chains and Heinz ketchup?**

I repressed a snort and continued with my line of bull-crap. "Then the last thing is this… _You turn down Dumbledore's offer of a job because you obviously don't know a thing." _

Hermione Granger at the front of the classroom, looked up and chuckled lightly. "I warned you that you were out of your depth Sirius, I warned you."

The professor, whose name was apparently Sirius, laughed deeply. "Yes, Hermione you did. Never teach Vampires how to fight Vampires. They probably already know."

Edward next to me laughed softly. "I doesn't matter anyway"

Sirius' eyebrow raised significantly "None of you mortals will be able to kill them, why else do you think that we're here?"

Draco Malfoy in the far corner of the room gasped quietly, I rolled my eyes. "Yes, Mr. Drama is right, you're not fast enough. You could run and run and run, and they would still be walking slowly next to you, that and Voldy Mart was slightly smart this time, he chose Vampires with _talents." _I let the word draw out slightly hoping for a reaction from Mr "I-know-stuff-but-I-will-try-not-to-let-on-and-fail".

Draco's eyes popped ever so slightly out of his skull. I was over there in an instant grabbing his arm and in my room, him sat down in a chair, with Edward and I standing opposite him.

I looked him dead in the eye "_What are you?"_

He gulped slightly and Edward grabbed my arm as if to stop me, but I shook him off. This was no Werewolf, nor a mortal.

This was something completely different.

_**AN- OK! There you go. Next chapter is Jess' turn to write. Well until the end, I did that bit… Ok, so what did you think? Wonder if we'll get a review? Hmm, that would be nice… a review… Kidding, kidding. If you want to, let us know what you think, if you don't, then don't =P **_

_**Noodlehead & Jess**_

_**Spaceheater VS icecube**_


	6. Inbreeding much, Legolas?

Chapter 6

_**Ok its Jessica here I'm going to attempt to write this chapter I usually come up with the idea's and Noodlehead writes them. Also Me, Noodlehead, here to check it over, lol =)**_

Bella's POV

So if he wasn't human and he wasn't a werewolf what the fuck was he? I thought I had enough mythical creatures in my life but noooo my mothers, 3rd cousins, 2nd divorces outcome named draco was mythical as well, I wonder what he could be maybe the wicked witch of the west wait no she wasn't blonde. Maybe he's related to Tinkerbell….my thoughts were interrupted by Draco's quiet voice "I'm an elf". An elf? An elf! That's how he remembered me!

Elves like vampires have photographic memory. "So what your related to Legolas from Lord of the Rings?" I said so sarcastically you'd have to be Dumbledore to not notice my sarcasm. "Yes actually, he's my dad's 2nd cousin". Edward next to me fell to the floor laughing at the sound of my jaw drop.

I stared at Draco in disbelief he was related to a movie elf who actually was an elf man. Life can be really fucked up. Edward had finally composed himself and looked at me trying to hold in his giggles "How do you know him?" he asked me.

Draco answered for me "I am her mothers 3rd cousins, 2nd divorces outcome. We spent our 10th birthday party at my house and lost contact a month after".

I was still staring in disbelief this made Edward giggle like a girl again "If you cant be serious Edward leave". Edward managed to crawl out the door and tell Emmett since I heard Emmett's roar of laughter soon after Edward left.

Draco looked bored being the spoiled…elf that he was. "You're an elf?!" I managed to gasp "Yeah... and?" he replied looking at his nails…I swear he's gay.

I decided to "eavesdrop" on his thoughts 'I'm bored out of my fucking mind! Hey Bella's hot... wait I'm related to her... Oh well everyone else in my family inter-breeds so why not me?'

His family interbreeds?! Ewwww maybe that's why his hair is soo.. Blonde! "What's gross?" Draco asked his voice confused only then did I realize I had 'ewwwwed' out loud. "Your family interbreeds?" I asked. Draco blushed "How did you know?"

" I read your thoughts" I said simply.

"You read my mind!" Draco yelled, and the laughter outside the door began getting louder.

"Nah, Hermoine told me." I said sarcasm heavily lacing on every syllable. "Hermoine told you? I bet you she told you about me and her secretly dating, as well?" Draco asked, pride masking the hurt he obviously felt. I rolled my eyes.

This boy… ahem, Elf is as thick as Dumbledore! Does he not know what sarcasm is? ... Wait... He's dating HERMOINE!?

I choked on the air I technically didn't need and stared at him. His silver eyes widened slightly, "You were being sarcastic weren't you?" He asked slightly fearfully.

Well that solved one of the questions, the elf _did _know what sarcasm was.

I nodded slightly and the laughter outside the door got to maximum potential. I ripped open the door and glared at Edward and Emmett lying on the floor clinging to each other in their fits of hysterics. I stopped glaring at Emmet and glared at Edward instead, because, unfortunately, I didn't hold any weight with Emmett. "Get off the floor and wait patiently in the Great Hall for me. If you don't, there will be _hell to pay!"_

I watched satisfied as Edward dragged Emmett out the door and down the hall before turning to the elf behind me. He looked at the space where Edward and Emmett had been lying previously, "_Whipped!"_

_**AN- Hey, It's Noodlehead here. Uh, yeah, sorry I was just checking it over and making it a little longer. Though you might want a little over 400 words. Anyway. Just to let you guys know, we have a website! YEP! ., I also now have a LiveJournal where several short drabbles are posted, more serious ones, apart from one Hp one... anyway, yeah. My live journal is Psychofanpire. Jess didn't want a LiveJournal though =( shame, she doesn't want to share either. Ok cause i'm on a sugar high I'm gunna tell you something! I go on RuneScape! Yep! My username's Lamybates. I know, a bit lame, but I don't care! Sorry, I'm on sugar high, these are fun, believe me!**_

_**Noodlehead... and Jess who isn't here, so i'm just going to include her anyway...**_


	7. BooksBestLay & Wanking Elves

AN- Okay, hey. It's Noodlehead here, Jess is somewhere… searching behind the couch for spare money… We is in need of sugar highs! Okay well, ignore all of my rambling in the last chapters AN, please. All are the workings of several giant candy canes, which tasted delicious… So, this chapter is the first chapter in a while, and for that I apologise, I was stuck in England for five weeks and a day, and until I came back, Jess and I decided to go on a little break from writing/typing this story, though I did do my little angst fest about a week before I got back over here. Though while I was over there we were ecstatic to receive a review, then a massive review on my little angst fest 'Regrets', and then a day after I arrived back another review asking us to update.

_**Thank you for those two reviewers, you spur us on ;).**_

Bella's P.O.V

I smirked my evil Bella smile (As Emmett dubbed it after a particularly bad episode of anger), "Yes, I trained him well. I am rather good at the training of males, as you may soon find out."

Elf-boy rose an eyebrow, "Are you trying to threaten me?"

"No," he seemed to sigh in relief, "I _am _threatening you. There's no 'trying' about it."

Blondie narrowed his badly romanticised icy blue eyes, and stood up taller (Not much though, he's a midget, he can't get that much taller). "I'll have you know that I am an elf-"

"Yeah, yeah," I cut him off, "I know that you're an elf, you don't need to tell me. We just spent the last hour discussing it. So, what do you think? We have a deal?"

His brow wrinkled in confusion, "What deal? We haven't _made_ a deal!"

"Oh! Sorry," I laughed, "You were boring me, so I continued the conversation in my head. Anyway… If you don't tease Edward about the whole 'Whipped' thing, then I won't release my 'information' about you to my _many_ contacts in Hogwarts, who many or many not know Rita Skeeter…" I trailed off in a (What I hoped was a) threatening manner.

He threw up his hands in defeat, "Okay, okay! I won't even mention the word, I swear!"

Time to go annoy Edward. She wouldn't dare…

He stalked out the door and I smiled a true smile.

This was going to be fun.

I entered the hall and smirked ever so slightly, Show Time.

"Ladies, Gentlemen, Hen, Cockerels, Mice, Giants, Elves, Vampires and any Werewolves who happen to be in the vicinity (I watched satisfied as Jacobs head poked out from under the Gryffindor table sheepishly), I have something to tell you. The reason? Revenge!"

Draco's eyes widened, and his mouth opened and closed slowly as he struggled to shout something to stop me, his elfish-ness finally stuck for words.

"Draconis Legolas Malfoy and Hermione Jean Granger are officially 'going out', and have been for some time. Infact, if I may say so, their relationship has been already taken to 'the next level' and they decided to share their new found happiness with the rest of you on .com, their pen name on the site is BooksBestLay. They have officially uploaded 76 videos and 583 pictures of their ecstasy at being together. Please, wave your magic waves and share their happiness!"

I grinned in satisfaction and watched as they waved their wands to bring their laptops from their bags, which were a massive two centimetres away from them.

Harry's P.O.V

I watched in horror as the screen came up and a clear picture of Hermione and Draco lying _connected_ in Jelly came up, with a _very_ red-faced Dobby in the background, suspiciously missing a hand somewhere that I really didn't want to know about.

Hermione was smiling broadly and making eyes at the picture that I was desperately trying to forget. Dobby suddenly popped in.

"Why is you's not eating yours food?" He squeaked loudly causing everyone to stare at him.

I jumped up on to the table and pointed at him and screamed loudly, "WANKER!" Remembering my self I added a lame, "Yo!" at the end.

Everyone turned their creepy stares to me and I moved my quidditch cap to the side even more, nervously. "Look at the picture carefully, respect!"

They moved their stares back to the screen holding the porn and wanking, at the same time they all jumped up on top of their tables and pointed towards the mortified house elf, "WANKER!"

I moved my hand up, "Yo!"

I turned to glare at the other speaker and found myself face to face with Edward Cullen.

"Yo!"

"Yo!"

"**Yo!**"

"**Yo!**"

"_**Yo!**_"

"_**Yo!**_"

We eyed each other carefully, and in union banged our fists together, "Respect!"

Gangsters united, never to be split apart. Brothers until the end.

AN- TaDa! Wow, the work of 3 hours hard work! And the song we have forever deemed the Hermione and Draco song. 'Spare me the details'- The Offspring. Let us know what you think! God, Cappuccino Ice Cream, 2 litres of Solo, a bag of Sour Worms and 2 litres of Iced Cappuccino are great insane brain stimulators!

_**Lets see if this can help us write another chapter… Maybe a double dose… or a triple? **_


	8. Hogwarts' letter to The Daily Prophet

AN- Hello! It's us again =D. Well, we went to sleep. Yes, we are ashamed, deeply ashamed. Although, we still have enough sugar to sustain us through another chapter!Jess! Get the high in sugar everythings! We is in need of them! (Wow, she actually did…!)

Hogwarts' letter to The Daily Prophet

Hello, my dears,

Hogwarts speaking, or writing, whichever you prefer. I am writing to let you know about the current habitants of myself, the amusement that they bring me, the fear and, sometimes, the hope.

Our newest students, the first years, are bright bulbs waiting to be switched on… Oh, wait a moment, I can't really say that can I? You're all so _very_ ridiculous about your wizarding/muggle prejudices that you are missing the entire evolution process that goes on around you. Honestly!

Anyway, back to the topic, the first years are progressively adding to their knowledge at the normal speed, and shall soon be in second year. Hopefully no errant teachers will try to kill them…

The second years have just finished learning about the 3rd Goblin War, which is no surprise. The Goblin Wars are all anyone ever learns about in History of Magic nowadays. After all, it's Ministry Approved, with a healthy green tick from the minister.

The Hippogriffs have managed to restrain themselves, an with no Draco Malfoy in the class this year they should all manage to live to see the end of the year, none of the third years happen to be purposely spiteful this year…

Nothing too interesting happening with the fourth years this year, though several are beginning to regret their decision in taking Divination, stupid old bat. _I,_ for one, will be glad when she is gone, I do not enjoy her drunken ramblings, nor her constantly almost burning down the castle.

Fifth years… Well, what can I say? A couple of them are struggling, but the others are going well. Yes, the annual 'Fifth Year Chess Tournament' is a hard and weary battle, the extra homework that the teachers pile on _really _doesn't help.

Being a year known for relaxation, our recent O.W.L graduates really aren't doing any relaxing, but without them the school would be lost. Their help in keeping the gossip chain going, really is honourable and hey deserve a medal… Or at least one of those fancy 'Awards for Services to The School'.

Ah, the seventh years! How I love them, the rather large bundles of joy really do just make my day! Insanity does help pass the day, does it not? With Gangsters, Vampires, Werewolves, Elves and 'normal Humans' all in the same year, how could they not be partly, or fully as the case may be, insane? Such fun they are! I do believe that they have done absolutely no work this year at all!

So, I thought I should tell you _my _views on Harry Potter, Vampires and the Ministry.

Harry Potter- Good lad, needs to turn his wand to the left slightly, it would help put out his magic better and… Sorry, off topic, I know. Anyway, good lad, he's in love with a certain female Gryffindor redhead, but still a good lad all the same.

Vampires- Insane, the lot of them, at least the one's that are in the castle at the moment are. They know how to paintball though. I have to give them that.

The Ministry- Ridiculous, utterly _ridiculous. _If I had a Knut for every time I want to strangle that little pug dog and his cronies… Has he no honour? Well, I suppose that's a rhetorical question, really. He has less honour then Tom! At least Tom hasn't tried to make it seem like he has honour.

Well, I have to go. The House Elves don't wake themselves up you know… Though I might give Dobby the day off…

Lots of Love,

Hogwarts

xxx

_**AN- Well, the next chapter might be The Daily Prophets response to the letter, I think it to be a stroke of genius myself, but then again, it's probably not. I'm just getting big headed . **_

_**So, let us know what you think… Damn… That sounds like a very subtle "REVIEW!!!!! OR I KILL YOU!!"… Maybe it is… Nah… I dunno… What's… With… The… …'s?…**_


	9. Daily Prophets' response

AN- Hey, it's, once again, Noodlehead writing this chapter. Jess is reading The Black Tattoo by Sam Enthoven at the moment, and I don't feel like asking her to help me write this chapter, so it might not be as, well we thought the others were, awesome as the others. However, this will be our third chapter in the space of 24 hours, and I myself, am having trouble keeping the crocodile tears at bay.

_**So, I was just saying to Jess (Who 'uhh' and 'uhuh'd' at the right place, a great accomplishment, don't cha think?) about how our eating habits really aren't that healthy when we are typing/writing this stuff, so we (As in, actually me) just tried something healthier, the melon didn't work, so I'm back to the good old' Cappuccino iced coffee. **_

_**Here we go, just what does Rite Skeeter think of all this?**_

_THE DAILY PROPHET – 30__th__ January 2009_

_THE PUREBLOODED HYPOCRITE?_

_Written by- Rita Skeeter_

_Hogwarts students and teachers alike were shocked by a revelation made yesterday lunchtime, in front of the entire Hogwarts population by one of the newer Vampire students Isabella Marie Cullen nee Swan. _

_Muggleborn seventh year student, Dean Thomas gave us a statement, "I'm shocked, I mean, who thought? Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger? The prejudiced, pureblood Slytherin prince and the Gryffindor, bookworm, muggleborn?"_

_Students and teachers found evidence of a sexual relationship between the aforementioned couple happening behind closed doors. Isabella Cullen apparently revealed the couple, with Ms. Grangers consent, after a deal was broken between Mr. Malfoy and herself, concerning her husband and some harmless teasing on the part of Mr. Malfoy._

_Mr. Malfoy has tormented Muggleborn students at Hogwarts since he arrived there, which is causing quite a stir in school, after all, how can he be dating a Muggleborn, when he so clearly 'dislikes' them?_

_Several theories have been popping up here and there, and mostly, I am afraid to say, the prognosis for Ms. Granger does not look good._

"_I think that he has Imperiosed her, myself. Hermone hates him! Why else would she be doing… __**That **__with the b*****d if that wasn't the reason?"_

"_I personally believe it to be a Love Potion, that way he can use her for… his own 'devices'"_

_Ms. Granger, our deepest sympathies are with you. _

_HOGWARTS WRITES THE WIZARDING WORLD A LETTER!_

_Written by- Rita Skeeter_

_Just yesterday The Daily Prophet received a letter from the castle Hogwarts of which the like hasn't been seen since the 17__th__ century, when she gave her opinion on the ministry uprising on the 7__th__ Goblin War._

_In the letter she gave her opinion on the Ministry, Harry Potter and Vampires._

_The letter is somewhat different to her last one, and she states that the wizarding/muggle prejudices are 'Ridiculous', and that we are missing the 'entire evolution process'._

_For the entire letter turn to page 3_

_For the Ministers reaction turn to page 4_

AN- Okay! Well, I managed, despite the constant interruptions of 'This bit is so funny! The demon sweeped it's hands and said "Welcome to hell!" isn't that funny!…? Are you listening to me? Noodlehead? NOODLEHEAD? Finally! Listen to this!"

Let us know what you think… Wait! No! I shall not tell you to review… You do it if you want to… Yeah. There. If you want to…* Shifty eyes*.


	10. Shit!

_**AN- Okay… Jess is still reading TBT, and so I am writing the FOURTH chapter in 24 hours, don't you feel proud of me? Huh? Huh?**_

_**Yeah, you do. Thought so ;)**_

_**I guess we kind of owe it to the amazing amount of people who have added this as favourite story, put it on story alert and, last time I checked, two that reviewed. Then again, you'll all probably get bored of us and the story soon, and then cross over to the dark side (In other words stop reading this, and leave us all lonesome ;)). **_

_**Ah, I better actually do some writing now… right? Or do you just read this so you can read my amazing AN's?**_

_**Didn't think so, somehow…**_

Harry's P.O.V

Edward and I are spending nearly all of our time together, which I believe is starting to gnaw at Bella for some reason.

She just doesn't understand I guess, Bro's before Hoe's.

Hermione and Draco are the 'it' couple of Hogwarts now, and apparently their profile on has gotten over 1 million hits in the last week alone. Perverted freaks, I am surrounded by them.

There is a rumour going around that Dumbledore and McGonnagle are avid users of the site and are the main couple on the 'Mature' section on it. I really do _not _want to think about it. It's nightmare material.

I can't even look at either of them anymore. All I see is a- Yeah, I'm not going to say it, I'm not even going to _think _it.

Ever.

The great hall is packed…?

"YEAH WELL YOU CAN CONTINUE YOUR GAY FLING WITH YOUR 'BRO' THEN!"

Ah, Bella's ever so gentle and sweet voice, but who's she yelling at?

"YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS, BELLA! YOU KNOW THAT MY GANG IS A MAJOR PART OF MY LIFE!"

She's yelling at Edward? Doesn't she know that that's bad for his street cred?

"YEAH, SURE! YOUR 'GANG'! YOUR TWO PART, FAKE GANGSTER GANG! YOU'RE A _VAMPIRE_ EDWARD! I THINK IT'S SAFE TO SAY THAT YOU WOULD WIN ANY KNIFE FIGHTS! YOU ARE BULLET PROOF! Sweet heart, you make 50 Cent look like a test dummy in comparison."

How dare she? 50 Cent are the gods of all gangsters out there.

"Bells, darling. I let you continue with your paint balling fetish!"

So they _were-_

"ENOUGH!", Dumbledore slammed through the doors, knocking them off the hinges.

"You do realize that you just broke the magic resistant doors, don't you?" Bella asked, seemingly innocent.

Then, the world ended.

Dumbledore said the one word that would change my world forever.

"Shit."

I blinked my eyes sleepily, and looked up at the white ceiling, "Aw, fuck. Why am I in Hospital Wing?"

"Well, Mr. Potter, you fainted." Madam Pomfrey said calmly from beside me, "Shit! Where the hell come from? You weren't there before!"

Pomfrey sighed and handed me some wiry things… My glasses!

"So, what happened?", I asked her, realizing with dread that I was in one of the hospital gowns. This did not bode well for my image.

"Well, Mr. Potter, you fainte-", I cut her off before she said anything more. "No! Don't say it! You shall tell no-one of this incident!"

She looked at me oddly, "You fainted in the middle of a full Great Hall, Mr. Potter. I think everyone knows already, I don't think it would matter if I told anybody at all, even the House Elves know."

Shit. "No! You shall tell them that… I was… Stunned! From above! By an… Errant Death Eater… On a broom… Yes! It is magnificent! IT… It's ALIVE!"

She placed her hand on my forehead, "No… temperature is normal… You haven't been taking anything have you? Anything that… you've been told can take the pain away…?"

I narrow my eyes at her, "No, I have not been taking any drugs, Madam Pomfrey. I am fine, may I leave?"

She nodded and I stalked out of the Hospital Wing and to the Great Hall, sitting down I realized too late that I was still wearing my Hospital gown…

Which didn't have a back.

_**AN- OMFG! DUMBLEDORE SWORE! Wow… Oh well… I'm a writer… Creative what-it-called. Anyway, there! The fourth chapter in 24 hours. Yay! Jess has just 288 pages left… Oh great… =S**_


	11. Chicks before Dicks

_**AN- I Jessica **insert last name here**, Juice box, Jellyfish, Roy the werepiristic chicken, The Emo (I'm actually goth..JEEZ) will Now attempt this next chapter to which Noodlehead will edit against my will… Well my grammar and punctuation is crap and I drag on about things and I'm not as sarcastically funny as Noodlehead But Still I will attempt this chapter since Noodlehead did the last what, 4 chapters? **_

Bella's P.O. V

Who knew that even out dated Pigwarts would have stereotypes? My Beloved husband Edward and his homie, the mentally unstable, delusional H. Piddy. More formally known as Harry Potter were the school gangsters. They were so freaking popular that they gained another member to their now 3-person Nana's knitting club, I mean, 'gang'. Ron had joined them hoping that he would be able to, Ahem, 'get some booty'.

Quite frankly I was annoyed, he spent more time with his pimp bro, then me and i'm his freaking _wife_! Whenever I tell him this he just looks at me and says, "Bro's Before Hoes". Emmett of course finds it was hilarious, laughing at the point that Edward was calling me a hoe, when really, he was the only man I'd ever slept with.

I needed something to break this little nanna's meeting, I couldn't stand anymore of the idiotic slang, I mean just last night Edward and Harry made a rap, apparently gangsters had a very small vocabulary and no sense of rhythm and beat, because the rap consisted of Ron spitting consistently in his hand and Edward and Harry rhyming ridiculously.

To break this little bingo club up I have to attack the pimp himself…_Harry_. I would play this little gangster game of Harry's, and i' ll beat him at his own game.

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Edward left early for the great hall, leaving me to my own devices because he had told Harry that another rap session was in need. This would be perfect, I went and told Rosalie and Alice of my little scheme of which they were part of then set of to find Ginny.

She wasn't that hard to find, with her flaming red hair and all, and she was heading to the great hall as well. I stopped her and took her back to my room.

She also had, had enough of the little 'gang' as well and agreed to my little plot.

Once dressed correctly Rosalie, Alice Ginny and I walked down to the Great hall where Edward and Harry were. Rosalie and Alice sped ahead and sat at the Gryffindor table. Ginny and I waited just outside the door for five mintutes til we walked and greeted Alice and Rosalie with a very loud, "YO YO YO!" and "HEY THERE SISTER".

The whole of the Great hall stopped and stared at us as we high-fived, and punched our fists together in a long gangster like handshake before we sat down next to the dumb founded Edward and Harry. I faced the two males and raised my hand for a hivefive and said ", hows it hanging?" I lowered my hand as the two of them just gaped at me like a fish. I saw Harry's eyes drift to Ginny. His eyes nearly popped out as he saw that like me she was not it her robes.

She was in a light blue denim mini skirt and a white Singlet that had been ripped to show off her stomach. He then looked at the rest of my 'gang's' out fit. I was also dressed 'skimpy' in mini, and I mean mini, shorts and a white bikini top with a black fish net top over it. Rosalie was in a baggy red and black Adidas matching tracksuit with a white Singlet underneath and a NY gangster hat tilted slightly up and to the right. Alice wore baggy jeans, a baggyish black Singlet and massive gold hoop earrings. We all wore a massive Gold chain with G in a circle, which hung from our neck and swayed with every movement at the middle of our waist.

Professor Snape came up be hind us, knowing I was the ring-leader, he sneered, "Mrs Cullen, Why are you not in uniform?", his hair seemed to make the words drip with oil and grease. I smirked and stood up and twisted towards the shadow of a teacher and yelled, "SNAPE MY SISTER FROM ANOTHER MISTER!"As I grabbed his arm and shoved myself into his, amazingly, well toned chest, for a gangster hug (You know, the whole shake hands and chest bump and pat on the back in one swift movement.).

The Entire Hall was as silent and still as…. as… a… Vampire! They just stood and stared at Snape whose face was contorted in to something like disgust and fury, and Emmett began to giggle, "That's the closet Snape's ever got to a chick" he said so quietly that only us Vampires heard and snickered. I couldn't stand it anymore, Snapes face his pale facial features all bunched together, looking more fucked up than usual, "Sir, you look grossed out... Did you just noticed that you haven't washed you hair since 1983?".

Snape's eyes bulged to the size of a ping pong ball, "DETENTION, MISS CULLEN!", he yelled and spitting the words at me, literally. "Jeez professor, say it; don't spray it and technically its _MRS _Cullen since I am married to Edward here" I said, waving my hand in Edward's general direction, "And you might want to remove the Detention threat, otherwise you can fight Old Warty by your self", I said matter-of-factly. Not Bragging or anything, but I was probably the best chance they had with this paedophilia stalker of Harry's, being able to pick and choose extra talent's, and Snape knew this.

"You wouldn't", hissed Snape. I raised an eyebrow, pointing out that I would.

"Is there a problem here Professor?", asked Dumbledore who had 'magically' appeared out of thin air since he now refused to use doors of any sort.

"Not at all, Head Master", replied Snape, straightening up as if to regain his non-existent dignity. Not far down the table, I heard Hermoine giggle at the word head.

Stalking out of the hall he didn't notice the appearance of the sign, with the words 'Bite Me', on his back.

Glancing at each other, us four 'Sisters' swaggered out of the hall, our many rings clinking in unison.

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Ginny's P.O.V

I set my muggle contraption up next to me, and listened to the blasting rap music for a second before gaining my pose, arms crossed with my head bopping up and down in slow motion, eyes following every person who happened to go by.

"Yo, Ginny!", Harry's voice rang from the otherside of the hallway.

_Show Time!_

"Whazzap, Daddy'o?", I called back as he made his way forward, his footsteps faltering slightly. "I was wondering, maybe you and I could go down town later... Catch some fights, or some shit like that?"

I flipped him off for no particular reason other than I felt like it, "Can't show," I said straightening up, "We and da babes going to catch ourself's some crap or some mother fucking shit."

He blinked a couple of times, and I did a small victory dance with my fingers, that were hidden in the giant hoodie that I was currently swamped in, "Can't you ditch 'em for some action?"

I rose an eyebrow at him, standing up, "Chicks before dicks, man. Chicks before dicks."

Grabbing the CD whatshimacallit, I walked out of the door and in to Bella's rooms.

Mission Harry Rejection, complete.

_**AN- AHAHAHAHAHA, EVIL LAUGH TIME! Okay, yeah... So it's me, Noodlehead! Yep! You better believe it! Jess let me finish the chapter, after some major pressuring! So, yeah, thanks for the reviews by the ways peoples! Jess is in disbelief after the massiv spaz I threw after getting the reviews so quickly, when I replied to one of them with a 'Thanks for the review, it really does make our day', or something, she was like "Make our day? No, it makes you freak out and start dancing on the bed, there's a difference". So yeah...**_

_**Anyway, yeah, so, moral of the story? Wait... there are two...**_

_**#1- Jess gives in if you pressure her enough.**_

_**#2- Reviews make me happy, and then (When i'm happy), make me go even more insane and update.**_

_**=D**_


	12. Dannyo Hoeyo'

**AN- Okay, so me and Jess have been swamped in school work (Seriously. It's like- "Look out Jess! Avalanche of Essays are heading your way… FAST!", you think your safe… Then BAM! And the essays are here.) It's all we could do to fuel my energy in to some okayish fics, and then some down right dodgy ones (Harry's Tree? Yeah, dodgy. Majorly.)**

**So, because I've downed two bottles of 'Cascade Premium Traditionals Raspberry Soda; Since 1883.', I'm flying high (On soda, nothing else *Gives miniature lecture on the dangers of drug abuse*) and my brain cells are rapidly decreasing by the second, (The insanity… IT'S HERE!), but shall return soon, (I've had so much sugar in my small, small life that I've grown quite a tolerance for it.) I better get too it. (Feel lucky, some of my remaining brain cells are telling me that adding **_**Merlin **_**to this fic would be a pointless waste of time, even if I am in love with him. The character, not Colin Morgan (At the moment he just so happens to be a body, a good body *Nearly faints, refrains… just*, for Merlin), *Squee*.**

**Oh god, I really **_**do **_**sound like a mad insane fan girl. *Sigh*, I didn't for Harry Potter, I wasn't too bad for Twilight… Merlin? It's got a whole class of it's own =D.**

_The rap-_

_Oh yeah, we da man,_

_We don't like lamb,_

_But really, it's all da same,_

_Cause really you lot are way lame._

*Small weird gangster dance*

*Hand spitting*

** and I, we get all da hoes,**

**And you, you keep hitting new lows.**

*Low "oooh! Burn!"*

*Hand Spitting*

**We carry knives, and our guns are fully loaded,**

**Make the wrong move, and you'll be show-ded.**

* points to show case where knife is held*

*Hand spitting*

_We are the best, yeah we is getting laid,_

_Cause that's just the way I are,_

_And I aint getting paid,_

_La, __**du, du, **__la_

*Hand spitting*

*Small weird gangster dance*

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Harry's P.O.V

I bopped my way down the hall, attempting to find out why everyone was staring at me, and 'da chicks weren't nodding with approval.

What was up with everyone today?

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Bella's P.O.V

"You gave him your mark?"

We all stared at Ginny intently as her laptop popped in to existence and she typed in her password to _Witch!Blog… Fellow witches come and blog! Leave your mark on the internet!, _and her icon came up, along with her latest blog.

**Marking;**

**Hello ladies!**

**It's I, Ginny here to tell you that I have finally made my mark! **

**Harry Potter, yesterday afternoon asked me out to Hogsmeade, I did not accept, but ladies, I made my mark. What can you say?**

**How many men as famous and hot as Harry Potter can you say that you've marked? Huh?**

**Yeah, thought so. (Dead people don't count, by the way)**

**So, until later ladies,**

**Ginny**

I gave it a critical eye, "They'll take this seriously?" I asked incredulously. The red-head smirked, as Alice and Rosalie raised eyebrows.

"This blog tells the law practically. Any witch that goes against it, will find themselves unceremoniously dumped out of any social circles in the wizarding world. No-one will dare contradict it."

I smiled a truly evil grin, this might just work.

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Draco's P.O.V

I hate my life.

Why in gods name do I accept this behaviour from my girlfriend? She has put me at the feet of Bella.

_Bella!_

I have been ordered (On the stake of my Premium pass to _our _site) to do as they wish, to help bring down Potter and Edward. They have to be stopped… According to Bella.

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Potter was distraught, "None of them would even look my way!" His eyes widened, and I was reminded strongly of Snape's face when I walked in on him snogging a picture of Potter's mum, "Am I fought out? Am I not getting in to enough fights?"

I controlled my urge to roll my eyes, somehow, and a laced a soothing hand on his shoulder, "I think…" I trailed off as he turned to stare at me, "I think that it's because your not dating a red-head."

He looked at me sceptically, "I mean, look at-" I thought frantically for a gangster sounding name, "Look at Dannyo hoe-yo," he seemed to take it as a gangster enough name, " He has a red-head!"

His eyes turned feverish, and he turned to look at my captors who were whispering hurriedly, "Yes. I shall get myself a red-head."

He lowered his voice, "Tonight."

I was almost impressed by his evil speech tone before he turned to look at me, "Respect."

Banging my head on the table, I was re-acquainted with how hard solid wood is.

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Voldemort grinned. Stage one complete.

Now all he had to do was find that missing piece, he had been working on this puzzle for two years, one missing piece was _not _going to anger hi-

"_Reducto!"_

Wormtail sighed from the corner, this was going to be another _long _two years.

**AN- Okay, yeah, not as 'great' as some of the others, I mainly just like the end. ^^.**


	13. Squidward and the Poledancing Dolphins

**AN- Hey, it's Noodlehead, Jess is writing something else for her LiveJournal, so I get this job, which I'm not complaining about! We just came up with two ideas! Well, okay, no, not really. We did the ideas and then went "ZOMG! HS MOMENT!". Yeah. We is insane. **

**So, it's my birthday on Friday *Squee*, and I is getting Merlin on dvd, which I is very happy about. Jess won't tell me what she's got me, cause she's a meanie =( **_**No she's not, you don't want to know. **_**Yes I do! **_**No you don't! **_**Want to bet? **_**I am you, I do know you. **_**Yeah, but I'm me too. **

***Sigh*, very confusing.**

Ginny's P.O.V-

I was sat in the great hall, minding my own business, acting gangster-y when a howler landed in front of me.

Bella looked at the howler with a raised eyebrow, "It's just a letter from mum yelling at me for something I don't know I've done yet." I explained as I opened it.

"**Ginevra Molly Weasley!**"

I turned to stare at Harry, who was repeatedly banging his head against the wall.

"**Yo,**"

I turned back to look at Harry who had blacked out.

"**This is an informal demand for you to go to Hogsmead with me, respect.**"

Edward was mouthing something at me, it looked a lot like, ' He forgot about your mother's howlers.'

'**I need a red-head hoe before I can get 'da chicks again, so,**'

Ron seemed to be hand spitting nervously.

"**Come to Hogsmead with me, otherwise I challenge you to a duel. .**"

Bella was shaking with suppressed laughter, Rosalie and Alice were lying on the floor in hysterics, adding the odd "Yo" in here and there, Draco was smiling smugly and Hermione was enraptured with something on her laptop.

I rose an eyebrow, "I accept the duel."

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Bella's P.O.V

Ginny stood on the duelling stage, creeping Harry out with her gangster eyebrow movements, as he was pacing the other end of the stage, waiting for the whistle to get in to positions.

Dumbledore 'poofed' in to existence, and whistled rather loudly. "Ready, steady, _go!" _I tapped him on the shoulder, "Uh, Mr. Poofydore, sir? I think you mean," I whispered something in to his ear and he straightened up.

"Right, welcome to tonight's street fight, today we have vs. Gin Gin _Ginny!_ Please note that any form of weaponry is allowed, including body, popcorn will be readily supplied at the entrance and any fights excluding the one on the stage will be ended and the gangsters in question killed, have a good night! Three, two, one! _Fight!"_

Ginny drew out a taser gun and pointed it at Harry's chest, "I work for the woman's mafia of Scotland, man. You can't beat me."

She shot it off and watched with satisfaction as fell to the ground, convulsing. She moved in to a James Bond position and blew on the top of her taser.

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Edwards P.O.V

Harry slouched in to our crib. "I have to spend the day at the dentists tomorrow, man. I can't believe I knocked out my own tooth when she tasered me! This blows!"

He threw himself down on to one of our beanbags. "Yo! Why the whole day at the dentists? You have something going on with the dude or something?"

Ron's eyes widened, and he choked on a popcorn kernel, "That shit is whack! You have haven't you? You have something going on with the old dude! Man, that's just…" He trailed off and H. Piddy's eyes widened and he threw a plastic knife at Ron.

"No, man! Seriously you guys are screwed up! That's like… That's like imagining me fucking Dumbledore!"

I glanced at Ron and we both turned to Harry dumbstruck, "You imagine fucking Dumbledore? Man… I suppose you do spend a lot of time 'bonding' with him… We just never thought it was that _literal_."

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Bella's P.O.V

I watched as Edward placed a butter dish under Harry's elbow as Ginny walked up to sit next to us, "Edward!" he screamed at him.

I leaped on top of the table and screamed, "SQUIDWARD!"

Harry turned and stared at me, and I rose an eyebrow at him, "Don't you know _anything _about being a gangster? You're supposed to scream 'Squidward' every time someone says a name! Respect!"

I rolled my eyes at him and walked my way out of the door. "Cya later Ginny-"

"SQUIDWARD!"

"Rosalie-"

"SQUIDWARD!"

",Alice-"

"SQUIDWARD!"

"Hermione."

"SQUIDWARD!"

I managed to get two steps out of the door before I completely collapsed.

This was more fun than I had ever imagined.

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Hermione's P.O.V

I moaned as Draco----

"Harry?-"

"SQUIDWARD!"

"_Get out, Harry!"_

"SQUIDWARD!"

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Dumbledore's P.O.V

I lovingly stroked my… um… Lemon drop, "Grindy, how can I not love you? You are the love of my life Grindelwald-"

"SQUIDWARD! Wait… OMG! FIRST HERMIONE AND DRACO, THEN YOU? _PUT IT AWAY, MAN!"_

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Harry's P.O.V

I opened my eyes and blinked several times as pole-dancing dolphins filled my vision. "Um, hello? Anyone?"

"Yes, Mr. Potter?"

"Yo! Why can I only see pole-dancing dolphins, respect?"

Madam Pomphrey didn't sound surprised at my predicament, "It's part of the curse, don't worry it'll wear off in a few hours, you walked in on Prof-"

"I know what I walked in on, hoe! I can't walk around with pole-dancing dolphins everywhere!"

The matron of the hospital wing sighed heavily and bustled around my bed for a little while before answering, "You won't have to, you aren't escaping my bed for a good day or two yet, I want to experiment a little with your body-"

I jumped out of the bed, "No! I refuse to give myself to you, wench!"

I ran out and in to the door frames a few times before one of the pole-dancing dolphins showed me the way, murmuring a thanks I continued running until I ran headlong in to a wall and blacked out.

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Madam Pomphrey P.O.V

"What on earth was all that about? I was only going to give him a potion I hoped was going to clear up his vision if taken in small doses for a couple of hours, studying the effects the extra-"

**AN- Okay, I think this has got to be my favourite chapter yet. It's just so… I dunno. But, come on, **_**pole-dancing dolphins?!?!?!? **_**I suppose this is compensation for the amazing crapness of the last chapter. Oh yeah, the bits that we actually did in real life are the Squidward bits and the dentist… Lol.**

**Merlin, Merlin, Merlin.**


	14. Spare Time and The Parting Of Dolphins

AN: Hello! We're alive! *Shock!Horror!*, and come offering insanity and plot bunnies! Don't thank (or blame) us for this though! Thank dazzled-in-al our most faithful (And insane) reviewer, who kicked our butts in to action after this long wait. Thanks to her for that, this one's dedicated to you.

Harry's PO.V

I waved a sad goodbye to the last pole-dancing Dolphin, who gave an odd flipper wave back. Staring out the window I met the suns glare evenly, feeling slightly emotional—"Why does everyone _leave me?_"

Trelawney was at his side in a moment, "Is it a prophecy? Do you have the sight? What do you see?" I shove her out of the way and press my nose to the window, "What is it you want me to see, lord? Who is that? Who is it I am destined to be with?"

My breath that had fogged up the window, and clouded my vision cleared and I stumbled back. "Of course! Edward my love, come to me!" He made no move towards me though, but his sparkle brightened slightly.

I raced out the door and down the stairs, the only other noise the slight sound of Jasper's giggling.

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Bella's P.O.V- Three Days Later.

"I call this meeting to order!"

The applicants for 'Get-Harry-And-Edward-Straight-Again' continued to converse freely, and I was reminded of sports class once again, minus the flying volley balls.

"_Shut Up!_"

They all quietened immediately, and I asked them each to state their reasons for being here.

Dumbledore- "I _will _be the only gay in the castle!"

McGonnagle- "Uncomfortable questions for the first years."

Ginny- "He belongs to me!"

Me- "Who?"

Ginny- "Harry!"

Me- "Good."

Hermione- "He agreed to sign up for .com… We need more straight guys."

Draco- "I can't tease him for being gay! It's not right to do that!"

Me- "What your real reason?"

Draco- "Hermione made me come."

Ron- "I feel all lonerized!"

Me- "And you didn't before…?"

When we had all gotten up to speed with the plan we sped off on our little bikes to the--- Okay, no. We went off to do what it is we do in our spare time.

Dumbledore's SpareTime.

"Oh, _Grindy!_"

…

Ginny's SpareTime.

_I HAVE MADE MY CLAIM!_

_I HOLD THAT CLAIM!_

_BACK OFF, BITCHES!_

_XXX_

_Ginny_

Minerva's SpareTime.

"Ah! That's the jackpot! Take that CanadianPrinceofGambles! I win!"

She clicked off of the gambling site… Forgetting to collect her winnings on the way.

"Oh… Shit."

Hermione&Draco's SpareTime.

"Another review! Apparently we need to make the build up a little more hot…"

"Lets work on that then…"

Bella's SpareTime.

"I really shouldn't have installed those security camera's…"

No-one's P.O.V

Harry pulled a box of strawberries from the picnic basket and began feeding them to Edward one by one, ignoring the faces Edward made, every time he swallowed one. "Enjoying them?"

Edward nodded, and attempted a grin (That came out as more of a grimace.), with strawberry mush dribbling down his chin, "Delish!" he choked out.

Harry smiled and bought out some sandwiches, "Good, we're only just getting started! You should see what I have for the main course!"

Edward looked around for an escape, but found none. "You shouldn't have Har-bear, really. You shouldn't have."

Harry laughed indulgently and ruffled Edward's hair. "For you, Eddy. I would do anything. I love you so much, you will never leave me."

As the sun set Jasper's laugh rang out across the grounds, and Bella's plotting spiralled out of control… Once again.

AN- Hello! What do you think? Well, just to let you know- Jess had a nightmare the other night, it involved a blonde vampire, Jess wielding Gold chains and tomato sauce. See? Writing this stuff is hazardous to your health!


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